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The History of Paulman Berg

      The history of Paulman Berg is a long story that has been passed down from storyteller to storyteller for generations. The great detail that goes into telling the true story can only be understood and conveyed by a select few. Not even the members of Paulman Berg understand it. They are only aware of the abridged version, as follows.

      When they were youths, the members of the band were able to write a selection of songs, despite not being a real band, and only having vague relationships with the others. They wrote such hits as "Because We're Babies," that expressed the childhood angst that they all felt. They were all very determined babies who understood their place in the world, that of living underground and shooting lasers out of their eyes. However, they all rapidly grew into what they believed to be men, yet weren't sure what truly made up a man. "What Makes You A Man," chronicled the lack of understanding that Paulman Berg had when it came to gender roles and puberty, and other teenage matters. In their growth, they also realized many allergies that the members of the band possessed, prompting them to write "The Allergy Song." After this song however, the members of the band began to life their own lives and go off on their own adventures, never to see each other again...or so they thought.

      One day Yannis Paulman found himself taking the Bar Exam, to determine whether or not he could become a lawyer. He had skipped elementary, middle, high and law school, immediately taking the Bar Exam. During the test, he was failing miserably. At one point, the proctor came around to Yannis' desk, looked down at the scribbles, and told Yannis he failed, and kicked him out of the test. A distraught Yannis ran out into the street to a meatdog salesman, Gustav Berg. He walked up to Berg and said, "Man, I hate failing the Bar Exam but I love music." Gustav then took out his guitar, and he and Yannis began the greatest band in the history of the world, Paulman Berg. They named it Paulman Berg after the great Swedish lumberjack, Paulman Berg, who set out to chop down every tree in Sweden but accidentally killed every mayor of every town in Sweden instead. The first song that Paulman and Berg wrote was the epic ballad "When Lumberjack Meets Lumberjill."

      Shortly after this smash hit was written, then formed into a three piece band, after meeting up with The Raunch. One day, there was a massive hurricane during a sailing expedition of Yannis' and Gustav's. The boat sank, and the two plummeted to the bottom of the ocean where they built Atlantis. Sadly, they quickly realized there was no air. Suddenly they were swept up in a net by The Raunch. The Raunch was deep-sea fishing off the coast of Trondheim, Norway, where he caught Yannis and Gustav. After the catch, he lost the fishing competition, but won the Yannis Paulman and Gustav Berg look-alike competition, by entering the two catches into the competition. They wrote their first song as a three-piece band, oddly only featuring Yannis Paulman in both writing and performing the song. This song was entitled "Rabbit Hole."

      After their successes with "Rabbit Hole," the three members of Paulman Berg decided to take a shower together. The drain of the shower however, was clogged. The water had risen up to their waists. They looked in the Yellow Pages and found a plumbing service called The Plumber's Plumbing. By the time The Plumber arrived, the shower had filled completely to the ceiling, with all the members still in the shower. Greg Rockbot, the original drummer was in the shower as well, despite having many more lungs than the other three members of the band. Greg had only been drummer for a short time, as he joined the band at the start of the shower, in a multiple-person-shower-induced frenzy. The Plumber revived Yannis, Gustav and The Raunch however. The Plumber explained to the three members how he was illegal in most countries and saw this as an opportunity to fix his legal status in many places. He did not request money for his reviving services, but rather admittance to the band to try and make him legal in more places. The Plumber was accepted into Paulman Berg.

      The other members of the band then realized that the shower was still clogged, and that the only matter that had been fixed by The Plumber was the matter of the band members' consciousness. He then went to unclog the drain, and in the drain found two rather striking young fellows, Big Mitch and Strange Wanda. They quickly found out that these two could only communicate through Pablo, as anybody else they spoke to would die a horrible death. The test came when they got their old manager Jeremy Gregs and had Strange Wanda whisper into his ear. The result was a combination of the scene from "Independence Day" when the ship blew up the White House, and the one from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" where the Nazis' faces melt. Strange Wanda then told Pablo what he was doing in the drain, a combination of swimming and deep-sea fishing. Paulman Berg decided to add these members to the band, only having one at a time however. Paulman Berg found out that on any given day, only one of Big Mitch and Strange Wanda would show up to rehearsal. The way they found out who was attending rehearsal was putting a birdcage by their bed containing a finch and a swallow, as Big Mitch would only eat finches and Strange Wanda would only eat swallows. Whichever bird remained told the other members of the band whether Mitch or Wanda was there that day. As this new five person band, they began to write new material such as "Working Out In The Tub," which talked about all their bathroom endeavors.

      As this newly formed mass of musicians, Paulman Berg began to bestow their ability upon the world of cinema. They provided the number one single from the movie "Chile Con Carnage," in the form of "Boots-Johnny Ramrod." After this single reached number one on the charts, they were hired to write the entire soundtrack for the movie, "The Passion of the Heist." They had many smash hits, but the one that stood out was a song about the two main characters, The Hardloves, performed by Yannis and The Raunch called "The Hardlove Song."

      In celebration of their cinematic successes, they went out to celebrate at a Hooters. This was followed by another Hooters, followed by 4 more Hooters. At the third Hooters, they discovered that the Hooters actually served food. After all the adventures to the Hooters, the members of the band went to the zoo. At the zoo, they wrote their single from the "Paulman Berg Nature Album," which was described as "being sonically raped by an elephant, only with more elephant noises," by Webelos Fidelty of London Press. This song was the great song "We Went To The Zoo." After they wrote the song and saw the elephants and the monkeys, they headed to the lion cage. At the lion cage, there was a huge jailbreak from the local prison. All the prisoners bypassed seeing their families and decided to go see the lions at the zoo. Coincidentally, all the band members and the prisoners were naked. The band members had been streaking since the sixth Hooters. After the matters of the jailbreak passed, the band noticed a dark, sultry man who was taming the lions with his tongue. This man turned out to be the current drummer, Pablo. Upon being asked to be the drummer, Pablo took an entire drum kit out of his pocket and played a drum solo that was so good, it made Neil Peart come down in a flying saucer, throw his drum sticks over his knee, and say "I'm giving up, there's no point anymore."

      Finally Paulman Berg was a complete band. And upon becoming a complete band, they became a unified force. They decided to attend church every Sunday in order to help their band be unified about one divine force. One Sunday, the band was traveling to church and saw a goat running alongside the car. They decided to write a song called "Go, Go, Go, Go Goat," in an effort to encourage the goat to keep moving. They finally reached the cathedral, and entered the lobby. In the lobby they saw pornography pictures lining the walls, and asked the minister what type of cathedral it was. The minister said "a normal one," causing the band to go to the one next door, for this one was too boring. The new cathedral turned out to be a porn cathedral, leading to Paulman Berg to write the great song "Porn Cathedral."

      As a powerful, religiously motivated band, Paulman Berg knew that they had accomplished what no other six men had done; Form a successful band from Sweden. They got into the trucking industry briefly, specializing in the shipment of curd. They wrote the great song "16,000 kg of Curd," about their curd shipping activities. But aside from that, they had finally realized their calling. They knew their duty. They had to do it. They decided to write a song recognizing their duty, called "We Have To Do It."

      However with all great successes come some tensions. At a session of seminars at Horace Greeley High School's Seminar Day, Paulman Berg broke up over the playing of Porn Cathedral into three different bands. Yannis and The Plumber formed into The Ruminations for Rent, and wrote great hits such as Panic Jam and Astrocatastrophe (Taj Mahspace). Gustav and The Raunch formed the rap band called Airshroom, a play on their new stage names of Air Condition and M'Shroom. They wrote a cover of "You Really Got Me," "Hit It," and "In The Flesh, In The Nude." The final band featured Strange Wanda, Pablo and Yannis was a robot rock band. They wrote a lesser known song about famous robots in history. However after their tussle, The Raunch realized the problem that had broken up the original band. Yannis had not wanted to play "Porn Cathedral" not due to its vulgarity, but rather because it did not equally represent all denominations. Thus, Paulman Berg reformed, accepting all the songs written by the independent bands into their set, and also writing a new song entitled "Porn Synagogue." They immediately embarked on a world tour, thrilling crowds all around the world and setting an example for all other rock bands.