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The Raunch

The Raunch was born on a drizzly day somewhere over the North Sea, on West Air Sweden flight no. 1647 bound for Heathrow, London. His mother had forgotten that she was nine months pregnant when she had taken on the job of piloting the plane, and crashed the airliner into an iceberg as she gave birth. Fortunately for The Raunch, he was launched out of the plane just prior to impact and landed on a conveniently located floating keyboard, which carried him to safety. There could be no doubt: fate had big plans for The Raunch.

The Raunch’s early childhood was marred by a sense of confused national identity. As he was born in neither Sweden nor Britain, but rather in international waters, he was never completely sure which bobsledding team he should be rooting for at the Winter Olympics. In order to find solace in these dark times, The Raunch began to play the instrument that had once saved his life: the didgeridoo, which he had once used as a snorkel when a clogged toilet flooded his bathroom. However, after he was kicked out of his didgeridoo class for attempting to snorkel with the instrument in the school fishtank, The Raunch settled on the object of musical production that would propel him to stardom—the board of keys.

In his early adult life, The Raunch had difficulty converting his key-tickling skills into bank-account-tickling riches. In order to feed his ever-growing family of discarded laboratory rats, he needed to find another source of income. Using his entrepreneurial instincts, The Raunch decided to start a ranch dressing company called Raunch Dressing. Using the slogan, “We put the “U” in Ranch Dressing,” the business took off, thereby moving The Raunch up several tax brackets.

Life as a businessman contented The Raunch for several years, but he soon came to realize that there was more to existence than simply providing Britain with the tasty salads that it so desperately craved. Fortunately, fortune grinned its filthy, filthy grin on The Raunch, and he happened to cross paths with none other than the now-legendary Yannis Paulman while deep-sea fishing off the coast of Trondheim. This day, Paulman was the deep-sea fish that turned up in The Raunch’s always-bountiful nets. The two quickly struck up a friendship, and when Paulman told Raunch that he was thinking of starting a band, the keyboard extraordinaire leapt at the opportunity.