The Raunch was born on a drizzly day somewhere over the North Sea, on West
Air Sweden flight no. 1647 bound for Heathrow, London. His mother had forgotten
that she was nine months pregnant when she had taken on the job of piloting the plane,
and crashed the airliner into an iceberg as she gave birth. Fortunately for The
Raunch, he was launched out of the plane just prior to impact and landed on a
conveniently located floating keyboard, which carried him to safety. There could
be no doubt: fate had big plans for The Raunch.
The Raunch’s early childhood was marred by a sense of confused national
identity. As he was born in neither Sweden nor Britain, but rather in international
waters, he was never completely sure which bobsledding team he should be rooting for
at the Winter Olympics. In order to find solace in these dark times, The Raunch
began to play the instrument that had once saved his life: the didgeridoo,
which he had once used as a snorkel when a clogged toilet flooded his bathroom.
However, after he was kicked out of his didgeridoo class for attempting to snorkel
with the instrument in the school fishtank, The Raunch settled on the object
of musical production that would propel him to stardom—the board of keys.
In his early adult life, The Raunch had difficulty converting his key-tickling
skills into bank-account-tickling riches. In order to feed his ever-growing
family of discarded laboratory rats, he needed to find another source of income.
Using his entrepreneurial instincts, The Raunch decided to start a ranch dressing
company called Raunch Dressing. Using the slogan, “We put the “U” in Ranch Dressing,”
the business took off, thereby moving The Raunch up several tax brackets.
Life as a businessman contented The Raunch for several years, but he soon came
to realize that there was more to existence than simply providing Britain with
the tasty salads that it so desperately craved. Fortunately, fortune grinned
its filthy, filthy grin on The Raunch, and he happened to cross paths with none
other than the now-legendary Yannis Paulman while deep-sea fishing off the
coast of Trondheim. This day, Paulman was the deep-sea fish that turned up in
The Raunch’s always-bountiful nets. The two quickly struck up a friendship, and
when Paulman told Raunch that he was thinking of starting a band, the keyboard
extraordinaire leapt at the opportunity.